IPhone 7 Super+ announcement (satire)
Today Techworld woke up to a stunning announcement by Apple Inc. Only two days after the initial introduction of the IPhone 7 and 7 Plus, Apple announced immediate availability of the third, most advanced IPhone 7 product – the Super+.
The Super+ is not your regular smartphone. It is an audiophile dream come true.
Matching number of rear cameras (two) of the 7 Plus, Super+ features two familiar connectors: Lightning and 3.5mm audio jack, sitting side by side. Said Apple Product Engineer: “We timely recognized 7 and 7 Plus had significant downsides created by removal of the HSJ – adapter is needed and no charging the device could happen while ear buds are plugged in. In addition, our CEO became convinced that fragmentation caused by removal of the HSJ is simply a socially irresponsible thing to do. We do want our fans to know - Apple is a corporation with a conscience.
Therefore, under watchful eye of Tim (Cook) our team did the impossible – we integrated the HSJ right back into the design! Sure, it was not easy. We had to increase the thickness of the phone by 0.1mm, but who cares - our users gonna slap a 2mm thick cover on top of that any way!”
But that is not all. In spirit of true innovation Apple designers didn’t just pick any HSJ, they integrated a newly available 5 pole TRRRS audio jack from MAX Solutions LLC. While being backwards compatible, this component offers a feature every audiophile will learn to enjoy – one extra microphone line in, for a total of 5 lines. This allowed our Beats team to come up with stunning new earbuds – Apple SilentAir. These earbuds offer Active Noise Cancelling that is done by your Super+. That’s right, technology normally available for over $100 Apple can now offer to any Super+ owner, FOR FREE, as it comes in a box with your smartphone. As all previous earbuds version, it is wired and does not need a battery. But not to worry, you can still plug your SilentAir earbuds into any available 3.5mm audio outlet, they are fully compatible. Understandably, noise cancellation is only available if you use it with the Super+. Hey, that is one reason to own one! Yet , if you still like your old cans – keep using them with Super+. In fact, any existing audio accessory with a 3.5mm audio plug can be used with Super+ new MAX HSJ, no problem whatsoever.
Along with the release of Super+ Apple apps team announced that new version of Facetime supporting immersive binaural sound is available for download. Said Apple apps chief developer: “FaceTime will take advantage of SilentAir two microphones located right inside your ears, recording and communicating binaural sound as it comes in. Since it is a wired accessory, very short latency needed for effective telecommunication will result. Using SIlentAir on both ends will enable you to enjoy benefits of sound that will surpass best expectation of what “surround” means. Just give it a try, you will be amazed! With binaural sound your FaceTime with friend and family will never be the same!”
Later that day Apple Software team made a separate announcement. Said Apple chief OS guru: “We are immediately making available APIs for bringing wired analogue binaural sound into the IPhone 7 Super+. With that we are letting all Apple developers harness the full power of binaural sound. We expect this will immediately disrupt Hearing Aids industry. Inexpensive wired hearing aid accessories will become a common place for an average price of a decent headset. These accessories will be able to use awesome power of Apple smartphone CODEC developed by Cirrus Logic. We are talking dual channel 24 bit, 196KHz HiFi sound amplified and pumped in and out of your Super+ through MAX HSJ, with ease. We are talking giving millions of hearing impaired people all around the world opportunity to hear once again. This is what Apple is all about baby. We are bringing advanced audio to the masses!”
When asked about his experience integrating MAX HSJ into Super+ Apple Lead PCB designer quipped: “Easiest job I ever had. All I had to do is connect one more trace coming from the HSJ right into the CODEC and slap a resistor on it. I was done before lunchtime.”
Not to be outdone, Apple Beats crew made a special announcement: “Starting next week Beats will offer audio cans with balanced audio connectors you can plug right into Super+ HSJ. That’s not a typo, Super+ will support differential “balanced” listening straight from your Super+ HSJ, an option usually reserved for dedicated MP3 players and very high end headphones costing hundreds and thousands of dollars. How was it possible? Easy peasy. You see, MAX TRRRS has 4 I/O lines and the Ground. This enables direct wiring of an equivalent of two XLR connectors, right into your smartphone. All my people had to do is create an appropriate detection algorithm. Took our engineers 30 man hours to complete that task... Best of all, you can use your existing “balanced audio” cans with a simple XLR adapter we are including in the box instead of a Lightning dongle no one needs any longer.”
The Super+ is available for $ 800, which is not cheap. But considering all the new features and applications not available on 7 or 7 Plus it is still a bargain. And you will actually save money on not acquiring those Airpods for $159, Item you will most likely lose in a few weeks anyway. (one of those pesky ear buds will get lost somewhere inside your house and you will not be able to find it unless you vacuum clean the place.)
Following the announcement Apple stock reversed earlier losses and closed higher by 5%, adding 30 billion dollars to Apple market cap.
This may seem like an Onion publication or a silly audiophile dream. But it could have actually happen. Seriously, it could have, given an opportunity and effort. Resources? – Apple has unlimited supply of those…